The dark side of Ailee

My sister sent me this link to a blog with posts excerpting Darkside Zodiac, a book by British writer Stella Hyde. When I clicked on the link to Capricorn, I burst out laughing. The first 3 paragraphs were uncannily spot-on:

You are a cold, cruel, petty minded slave driver with unsuspected yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching [I'm not THAT much of a tightwad]. You are mean, miserly, cold-hearted, self-opinionated, petty, negative, unforgiving and pessimistic. You seem ultra-respectable and old-at-heart [born 30, Maddy?] on the outside while claiming to be insecure. You have the stamina and relentlessness to push people until they give in and follow your way. You hate to be teased, embarrassed or made to look undignified. You'd do absolutely anything to preserve your social status. You'd also prefer to keep your ruthless, pathological ambition under wraps.

The formal, conventional pinstripes and stiff manner are all a front to cover your mischievous lechery [LOL] and anarchic goings-on. It's possible you make deals with the devil. [underline mine] You are extremely strong-willed, stern and stifling. You're like a machine. Your goal in life is to maintain order, propriety and respectability.

You avoid direct physical violence, preferring purges and show trials instead. You crack down hard on deviant thought, and action taken in defense of the status quo is always justified.

The latter half isn't as accurate ("You've given up on friends because they don't appreciate your help." -definitely not me!), but then I took into consideration that I'm only half-Capricorn-- in other horoscopes, my birthday falls under Aquarius. So I looked up Aquarius, and again, half was right on the money:

You are a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart. You're aloof, arrogant, [Atenista e] distant and offbeat... You observe everyone else and never react spontaneously to any experience. Whatever you're doing, the inner you is busy making observations and taking notes...You want to be needed but won't ever admit you need someone...

...You pretend you have important work to do and can't be bothered. You are the king of one-liners and vicious sarcasm [I wouldn't say vicious...]. You do not do violence or physical contact [allergic to hugs], preferring to set phasers on stun from an accurately computed distance. You always go for mind games instead of war games.

You come across as an icon of cool, too glamorously ironic to be contaminated by the despicable neediness of the rest of the zodiac. Every time you get near a spontaneous outburst, you activate the defensive shields, so you can look on untouched while others tear themselves apart. It's logical, but also sterile and emotionless. You have never had emotionally unprotected sex or been swept away by lust [best to keep my mouth shut on this]. This means you are always in control, which is good, but it also means you can get bored and fidgety. You are unlikely to have a long-term partner [I knew it!]. You despise clingy dependents [YES] just as much as you loathe jealous control freaks [DOUBLE YES].

In social settings, you seem to always be in the center commanding attention by talking about cool stuff you want everyone to think you know all about [in other words, KIA]. People think you are friendly because you hang around with so many groups [true that], but in reality, that is because you need a large enough statistical sample to make your data collection viable [uy, hindi namannn...]. You are bored by any individual's feelings and sometimes duck out of the party, not because you like your privacy but because you are taking a moment to write up your field notes on your observations [to blog about! hahaha]. Weak people drain you [they sure do], so you occasionally need to get away to recharge.

At work, you can figure out the operating system of any job in about 10 seconds. You're never on time [my dad can attest to this], customize your uniform and hate being overseen. Bosses hate you because they know you could do their job in your sleep [Shirl, care to comment? :p]. Colleagues are awed by your insolent independence, but get upset when they come across the notebook listing all their quirks, catchphrases and secrets they told you in confidence because you seemed so nice and friendly [LMAO].

Freakyyy. Haha.