Morbid musings

I don't know if it's because I'm comfortable contemplating my mortality, or if I'm just plain morbid, but I think about my death more than the average 27-year-old. The idea of a loved one dying, I don't handle well at all, but the notion of my own death doesn't really scare me. There are times I catch myself suddenly thinking, what if the plane crashes? while on a flight, or what if armed robbers gun me down? while running bank errands, or what if I'm diagnosed with cancer? while undergoing a medical checkup... and it doesn't really terrify me. I'm sure I'd be upset if I found out I was going to kick the bucket, like, tomorrow, but I don't think I'd be hysterical either. At least I hope not.

Yesterday I suddenly felt like running through my list of people I'd like to deliver eulogies at my funeral, assuming they outlive me. I first drew up this mental list years back, during my angkong's wake in 2000. I've added and subtracted names from the roster over the years, and now it reads something like this:

• my siblings, Hanks and Bens
  
• my best friend Raqs
• my tag team partner Angge
  
• my mentor Sir Tirol
• my personal shrink Maddy
• my students

Not ALL my students, of course. But I'm having a bit of trouble trimming down that group. I had over 200 students, not counting the members of the club I moderated, the 2 years I was in ICA. If I had to limit myself to only a handful (the funeral's going to be long enough as it is with so many eulogies), the shortlist would definitely include Jo, Rach, Tarin, Karen Ramos, and Mini-me Jen Ong.

The eulogy list covers the people who know me best, and who have known me in different capacities: as a sister, as a friend, as a classmate, as a student, as a co-worker, as a teacher. They are also the people I love and respect most, and who have been important parts of my life, no matter how long I end up living. So I would be honored if they would say a few words about me at my funeral.

I once told Raqs that I've always sensed that I would die a sudden and violent death. It's not something I can explain, it's just a gut feeling that I will go quickly, and not quietly. But regardless of how I shuffle off this mortal coil, I would find reassurance knowing that I leave behind a legacy worth eulogizing.