The Tom Cruise Movie

That might as well have been the title of War of the Worlds, since the whole frickin' movie seemed to be more about him and his super-incredible-awesome-[insert other adjectives frequently used by Katie Holmes here] greatness than anything else. For a film that's supposed to be about the annihilation of the human race, the only human the movie was actually concerned about was Tom Cruise.

Before I proceed, to those who haven't seen the movie: yes, most definitely this entry will contain spoilers, but don't worry. I can't possibly do more damage to an already rotten film. In fact, I'll do you a big favor and tell you right now: just read my blog post, and save your movie money for something else.

Most of you have an idea of the basic storyline: Aliens invade the Earth. Aliens start picking off humans like roaches. Humans run like hell. But let me fill you in on the real crucial element of the plot: Tom Cruise is Superman. No, really! You thought he was playing an ordinary construction worker/divorced father of two? Hell no! What the trailer didn't reveal is that this is actually a superhero movie! Why go see the Fantastic Four when you can watch Tom Cruise single-handedly destroy a giant alien destroyer robot? It's not about the destruction of our planet (we don't even get to see a single important landmark blown to smithereens; in fact, we don't even see what happens to the rest of the world outside of the US East Coast), War of the Worlds is about how Tom Cruise is totally indestructible! Wow! I'm sure H.G. Wells didn't think of that angle when he wrote the original story!

All right, all right, maybe I am being too harsh. I did, after all, learn some very valuable survival lessons from this movie. Allow me to enumerate these pearls of wisdom:

1. If you're running down a street while a giant alien destroyer robot behind you is pulverizing every human being in sight, make sure you are not running beside Tom Cruise, because the giant alien destroyer robot will surely hit everyone around him, but not him. He is, after all, Tom Cruise. Even aliens recognize his greatness.
2. If Tom Cruise tells you to do something, like get in the car, or close your eyes, or put down the ax you're about to use to chop off an alien anaconda-like probe thingy, just do it. It's Tom Cruise! He knows best!
3. If a 747 comes crashing down on top of your house, it helps to be in the basement with Tom Cruise. You'll sleep right through it, guaranteed.
4. If you should be so lucky to be in Tom Cruise's car (the only functioning car in all of Jersey-- but hey, trust Tom Cruise to find it and steal it from his neighbor!), and you're driving down the expressway, running away from the giant alien destroyer robots, you will find that all the stalled vehicles on the road had conveniently stopped along the sides of the highway, leaving a clear path in the middle for Tom to cruise down (pun intended).
5. If you're boarding a jam-packed ferry boat to get away from giant alien destroyer robots, stick close to Tom Cruise. He'll find a way to get onboard. He's Tom Cruise!
6. If said ferry boat gets tipped over by a giant alien destroyer robot, swim beside Tom Cruise. You will not drown, be hit with debris, or even get zapped by the giant alien destroyer robot, because it's too busy zapping everyone else who is not with Tom Cruise.
7. If you're a 6'4" man roughly the built and weight of Tim Robbins, and you happen to be armed with a shovel, you still do not stand a chance against an unarmed, 5'7" Tom Cruise. He will severely kick your Susan-Sarandon-loving ass.
8. If you've been caught by one of those pesky giant alien destroyer robots (shit!), but you're in the same cage as Tom Cruise (hooray!), you can be sure he'll save you because he will be able to arm himself with grenades split seconds before he's sucked into the alien craft, and he will pull the pins out with his mouth, AND he will be pulled back out into the cage by the rest of the captives who band together to save him... because-- all together now-- he's Tom Cruise! (Note that there were no bayanihan heroics for the first guy who got sucked in, poor chump.)
9. If you're a member of the US armed forces, it pays to listen to tactical advice from Tom Cruise. He's so-ooo sharp, that Tom Cruise.
10. If you're Tom Cruise's son or daughter, you will inherit his amazing powers of invulnerability and under no circumstances (capture by a giant alien destroyer robot and acts of sheer stupidity included) will you die.

Oh, and one more thing. Apparently, the more upscale neighborhoods in Boston are the safest places in America because for some reason, aliens will refuse to destroy any of the nice brownstones there. You can remain there with your immaculately dressed family (pregnant women included) throughout the alien invasion and stay perfectly safe. Apparently, the aliens have no qualms wiping out the blue-collar areas, but they will spare the rich folk. Who knew aliens were such elitists?

I cannot end without mentioning the part of the movie that made me literally slap my forehead. While hiding out in slightly-psycho Tim Robbins' basement, Dakota Fanning asked Tom Cruise to sing her a lullaby. My mind was going, "'Wag kang kakanta. 'Wag kang kakanta..." When he did not know the first song she asked for, she requested another ("'Wag kang kakanta. 'Wag kang kakanta...") and he didn't know it either. I waited breathlessly for a third request, and then... he started singing. I wish I could say that cheeseball moment ruined the entire movie, but really, what was left to ruin?