Sunday, April 02, 2006

Left with nothing

I came home from a morning of fun, carefree tiangge shopping to several text messages telling me that a student's father had died of a heart attack earlier in the day. This same student had lost her mother to cancer not over a year ago. I read the messages and fell back against the couch in stunned disbelief. In spite of myself, the first thing that came to mind was the cliched lament, how could life be so cruel to someone so young? Then anger took over: anger at life's cruelty, anger at the unfairness of the universe, anger at my being powerless to do anything, anger at not having anyone to blame. I stewed silently for the rest of the day.

I'm still angry now. But what can I do? As someone whose faith in a superior being is weak at best, non-existent at worst, I cannot seek solace in the tired lines of "God has a plan" and "God works in mysterious ways". I don't even have the luxury of railing "why God, why?!" to vent. I just have this stinging reaffirmation of the conviction that life is painfully finite, and maddeningly unpredictable, and unavoidably harsh to even the best of people. Beyond that, beyond my anger, I am left with nothing... nothing but sorrow, and sympathy, and the certainty that my student will eventually be all right, because this I do have faith in: I believe in her strength, and the strength of the love from her friends and family. And maybe that's something... maybe that's everything.


At Thursday, April 06, 2006, Anonymous ange said...

No matter what you may believe in, for as long as it can get you moving on in life, it's okay. Death is a certainty until someone actually finds the formula to the Elixir of Life. Until then, it is worth looking to the future with the thought that though the storm may grow stronger and harsher each second, there will always be an end to the destruction it brings along. There will always be that light at the end of the tunnel.

Bottom line is, moving on's not so easy to do, especially if we have to do it with a smile plastered and this optimistic feeling that everything will be okay. We all know life's tough, but letting the negative things in life bring us down will only make the road harder than how it's supposed to be.


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